The Truth and Boundaries Creed
May 2nd, 2022
Speaking your truth, and setting healthy boundaries is not for the faint of heart. It’s not some woo woo concept that is always easily applied in real life and everyone is super supportive and singing Kumbaya around the campfire. Sure I suppose this happens in a “conscious community” somewhere in the woods…but this has mostly not been my experience on the front lines. Nor the experience of my clients.
It’s a hard knock life for a recovering people pleaser when it comes to learning and applying this skill set. And there are usually some painful growing pains to go through before you get the hang of it. It can be scary. Painful. Lonely. Isolating. Guilt and shame provoking and ptsd triggering. Uncomfortable at best and completely destabilizing at worst.
The good news is it does get easier, once you get the hang of advocating for your own needs, and understand your God given right to do so.
But why does it sometimes feel so scary to simply say no?
Because of past experience of loss. Loss of love, approval, praise, and connection. Experiencing abandonment, judgment, projections, criticism, rejection, and sometimes even disownment is often the rocky terrain to navigate when walking this path. Especially if you grew up in an environment that didn’t foster your right to sovereignty, and it wasn’t safe to be authentic. Get ready for a rough tumble when you jump off that train.
I have been burned at the stake so many times by my choosing to say yes to this curriculum again and again. The message I’ve received goes something like this:
“How DARE you say no to me and what I want. How DARE you put your own well-being before mine. How DARE you break your unspoken agreement of compliance and servitude of MY needs. How selfish you are. How unthoughtful. How mean, how hurtful, how awful of a human you are. You don’t have a right to your own voice. You don’t have a right to your own needs, and you certainly don’t have a right to express them. Who do you think you are?”
The message is loud and clear in situations like these. I am not loved for who I am. I am not seen for who I am and regarded as a highly sensitive, valuable being with unique needs that only I know how to tend to. I am not trusted to be in my own flow with what I can freely give when my cup runs over, and what I cannot when my tank is empty. No, I am loved for what I can do FOR YOU. I am loved for what I provide FOR YOU, not for who I truly AM.
Well, I am hereby calling BULLSHIT on this old worn out patriarchal ancient relationship structure built on codependency and manipulation. It’s DEAD to me. DEAD. I am no longer interested nor will I entertain relationships based on this FALSE foundation. That ship has SAILED a long time ago.
*I get to set boundaries AND I deserve to be loved.
*I get to say no if it doesn’t feel right AND I deserve to be loved.
*I get to speak what’s true for me AND I deserve to be loved.
*I get to honor my body, mind, emotional, and physical needs AND I deserve to be loved.
If I have to stifle my voice, swallow my truth, and be inauthentic in order to please and be worthy of your love…then I don’t want it. Because it’s NOT love.
In turn, you get to receive my heart, my insight, my wisdom, my emotional support, my silliness, my encouragement, my bright and shiny light in only the way that I can give it. And WE get to create something wonderful together, something real, something expansive, something mutually beneficial, balanced, harmonious, and free.
I trust you to know how to take care of yourself, and you trust me to know how to take care of myself. And because we trust each other, we give more not less, we love more not less, we become closer, not more divided.
Love me in my fullness or don’t love me at all. But, I will no longer betray myself for anyone. This is creed.